The Match 2: The Intergalactic Space Dating Game
by Cpl.Hicks
Summary: If you like sci-fi characters ranging from Cpl. Hicks (Aliens) to Neo (Matrix) to, um, Bill (Bill & Ted's Excellant Adventure) then you'll like this!


All right, this is something I wrote a long ways back. It's actually a sequel  
but don't worry, you don't have to read the first. :-) I've been a Michael Biehn fan  
and sci-fi buff since the day I knew how to talk! I hope you enjoy this and thanks  
so much for taking the time to read the work of a sick person. ;-)  
  
As usual, I don't own any of these characters. I'm sure that "Neo" from the Matrix  
would be a load on his own! :-p  
  
  
  
  
  
The Match 2: Bigger, Badder, and Dumber (a.k.a. The Intergalactic Space Dating Game)   
  
Epilogue   
A long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far, far, far,   
far, far, far, far, far, far away. That has an alternate Earth. Which is Earth but   
not really. Which looks exactly like Earth but with minor changes. Which doesn't   
really, really look like Earth actually. Which is not Earth at all. Which is a   
whole different planet. Which doesn't make sense since it's suppose to be an   
alternate Earth. Which needs a lawsuit for not being an alternate Earth.   
  
Sci-fi's greatest heroes have retired from their hobbies. From the ones who have yet   
to understand that the underwear should be worn inside the pants not outside, to the   
ones who think that their soul mate is the heavy artillery he/ she carries, to,   
finally, the heroes who claim to be "the chosen one." Whatever the heck that means.   
  
Yes, indeed, the time for relaxation has come for these proud heroes of humanity.   
Some need to give child support for that illegitimate child of theirs. Then make like   
the Flash and take off. And like any self-respecting hero, many need to avoid the   
tabloids. Tabloids that range from Superman actually being a woman on steroids, to Lt.   
Ripley actually being a man on steroids. And while they must tend to that matter,   
several heroes must salvage their relationships. Yes, being a hero has its share of   
problems.   
  
With all this said, what happens to the heroes who don't have much to do except grab   
a cold one and watch the Super Bowl? Who are still single but claiming to others   
that they've got dozens of women/men right now but they just happen to have the power   
to be invisible since they're never around? How about those who use that "1-900"   
number a lot? And what about the heroes who have developed a strong bond with their   
weapons that friends have to convince him/her that he/she needs serious help? And   
what happens to the ones who recently broke up? Where do they go to find "the   
special one?" Ever wonder what happens to all of them? Ladies and gentlemen, wonder   
no more! Welcome to the place where these unfortunate souls travel to put their   
sadness to ease! Welcome to the place that gives them hope! Welcome to "The   
Intergalactic Space Dating Game"!   
  
END TRANSMISSION...   
  
  
From our view, we see a large gigantic mountain. At the peak of it, MOSES, from "The   
Ten Commandments" is climbing to reach his rendezvous with God. He carries the Ten   
Commandments with him. Suddenly, the mountain shakes and a large ship looms overview.   
Moses trips and the Ten Commandments break.   
  
Moses takes out the super glue and a black magic marker from his robe.   
  
MOSES: (muttering) He won't know... It'll be good as new!   
  
Moses finally reaches his rendezvous point. GOD takes a good look at the Ten   
Commandments. He frowns.   
  
GOD: I don't recall the fifth one saying, "Thou shall love fanfiction.net," Moses.   
  
The ship that we saw just a few minutes ago soars over an ocean. Inside, we hear   
techno music playing. There's a small studio. The audience cheers and roars out loud   
and claps in unison to the beat of the music. The audience consists of a "colorful"   
group. From hairy fat aliens, to some human beings who might as well be aliens   
themselves.   
  
Suddenly, a Queen Alien wearing a blond wig and tight sexy leather pants emerges from   
the side of a stage. She's THE ANNOUNCER of the show. She grins to the audience, her   
silver teeth glistening.   
  
QUEEN: ^@#$%^&* (Translated as: Ladies and gentlemen, from the same guy who's famous   
for never aging, DICK CLARK!!!)   
  
The audience stands up and claps and cheers. DICK CLARK takes a bow and enters the   
stage.   
  
DICK CLARK: Happy Rocking New Year... er... Welcome everyone! Welcome to The   
Intergalactic Space Dating Game where it's possible for even the superheroes to get   
lucky in love! Today's lucky girl is Predator! She'll get the chance to choose who'll   
be her superhero blind date! But first, let's introduce our single contestants!   
  
The audience cheers louder than before.   
  
DICK CLARK: Our first contestant is a Jedi in training! Ladies and gentlemen, here's   
bachelor number one, LUKE SKYWALKER!   
  
Luke Skywalker enters the stage and everyone cheers! He's got his light saber with   
him. He waves it to the people and smiles. However, he's so excited that he   
accidentally flings the light saber to the audience! They cry in a frenzy and run for   
cover as the light saber flies their way! The light saber hits Superman's groin area   
and he goes down for the countdown.   
  
LOIS LANE: (mumbling bitterly) So much for that "man of steel" crap.   
  
A group of paramedics immediately come to his aid.   
  
Luke Skywalker sits down at one of the five extremely cushy seats that take the shape   
of huge hearts. He takes a seat but sinks so low in it that he's practically on the   
floor. Dick Clark smiles.   
  
DICK CLARK: Uh, why don't you tell us about yourself?   
  
LUKE SKYWALKER: I'm a young man who listens to a little green alien that lives in a   
swamp who says that my dad's trying to destroy the universe because of some creep in   
a black robe says so and also insists on turning me over to the "dark force" or to   
kill me. Meanwhile, he has no idea that I have a sister, who I was actually attracted   
to but didn't know we were related at the time so I made my moves on her. Afterwards,   
we were able to know the truth since kissing each other was like kissing ourselves and   
I should now since I've had my fun with that. Together we put a stop to the bad guys   
with the help of talking bears that spoke a foreign language and lived in the jungle   
and knew how to party!   
  
The room is quiet.   
  
DICK CLARK: So... um... what do you like to do on your spare time?   
  
LUKE SKYWALKER: I like to use the Force a lot.   
  
DICK CLARK: Wow, for the common good?   
  
LUKE SKYWALKER: No, when I'm at Las Vegas. Hey, being a hero doesn't put food on the   
table! Yoda should know and he lives in a shack at a swamp.   
  
Dick Clark tries to smile warmly.   
  
DICK CLARK: What are your favorite hobbies?   
  
LUKE SKYWALKER: I like to... (pauses, turns agitated all of a sudden) Get out of my   
head, old man! Get out of there NOW!   
  
DICK CLARK: (confused) Mr. Skywalker? What's wrong?   
  
LUKE SKYWALKER: (continuing) Who cares if I kissed my sister! Angelina Jolie and her   
brother do it all the time! I thought we discussed this on the Jerry Springer Show!   
  
DICK CLARK: Luke...?   
  
LUKE SKYWALKER: (turning calm) Sorry... I keep hearing a voice in my head. It's Obi   
Wan Kenobi. He thinks he can still boss me around even though he's dead. You see,   
Dick... (in a hoarse whisper) I see dead people...   
  
Dick Clark is now indifferent to Luke Skywalker. He thinks he's a schizophrenic so   
he decides to move on to the next guest, momentarily wiping the nervous sweat off   
his forehead.   
  
DICK CLARK: Okay, folks, our next guest is quite well known from across the galaxy!   
You might just find him crashing at your backyard! Literally! Folks, meet bachelor   
number two, ET!   
  
The audience applauds again as ET flies into the studio with his bike, a motorcycle   
bike to be exact. He's wearing the same red jacket with the hood like in the movie   
except this time, there's a Harley Davidson patch on it. He stops to wave at the   
audience then goes to his seat after parking his motorcycle near the Alien Queen's   
spaceship.   
  
DICK CLARK: Hello, ET! It's great to have you here! So what can you tell us about   
yourself?   
  
ET: ET phone home...   
  
DICK CLARK: (confused) Um, okay, what else?   
  
ET: (points at Dick Clark) Friend...   
  
DICK CLARK: (smiles nervously) All right, thanks... Um, what ELSE can you tell us?   
Something helpful.   
  
ET: ET phone home...   
  
ET takes something from his red jacket. Dick Clark looks at him curiously as does   
Luke Skywalker who thinks he's one of Yoda's close relatives.   
  
DICK CLARK: (smiles warmly) What's that you got there?   
  
ET: Beer...   
  
ET chugs it down all the way and burps out loud. He points at the beer can with a   
glowing finger.   
  
ET: Friend...   
  
Dick Clark slowly shakes his head in pity. He sighs and decides to move on, ignoring   
Luke Skywalker who's cursing at the voice in his head again and ET's loud and   
annoying burps.   
  
DICK CLARK: (tiredly) Now, for our next guest! This Captain is one of a kind! He's   
settled peace treaties between the Klingons and the Star Fleet Federation! Here's   
bachelor number three, CAPTAIN KIRK!   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK walks into the stage casually. He stops when he sees a female alien drone   
named KATJA working nearby. She's wearing a small red skirt. He goes over to her.   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: (slyly) How... did you... know...?   
  
KATJA THE ALIEN DRONE: *&^%$#@ (Translated as: How did I know WHAT?)   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: How... did you know... that I... liked... my women... like... coffee...?   
Hot... and... full of sugar...   
  
Katja the Alien Drone whips him square in the face with her tail.   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: (grinning) I... also... like my... coffee... strong...   
  
He spanks her then strolls over to the stage to take his seat before Katja the Alien   
Drone can react.   
  
DICK CLARK: (nervously chuckles) Uh, I have a feeling that you'll be seeing her again   
in a sexual harassment suit.   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: Then... I'll... just... order Scotty... to... beam me up! Ha... ha...   
ha...   
  
Captain Kirk continues to laugh at his own joke. The audience is quiet. The crickets   
chirp from a distant.   
  
DICK CLARK: Okay. What can you tell us about yourself?   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: Before... I... can... answer that... I want... to know... why... you...   
took my communicator?   
  
DICK CLARK: For the last time, Captain, it ISN'T a communicator! It's just a cell   
phone!   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: (uncomprehending) And your point is?   
  
Dick Clark gives off another heavy sigh. He sees ET drinking a second beer can and   
Luke Skywalker hitting himself to get "the voice" out of him. He turns to Captain   
Kirk to continue the small interview but he's disappeared from his seat! Dick Clark   
frantically searches for him and discovers that he's among the audience. Right near   
TRINITY from "The Matrix"!   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: (slyly) You... must... be... tired...   
  
TRINITY: (annoyed) Tired from WHAT?   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: Tired... because... you've been... running... in... my head... all   
day... long...   
  
TRINITY: That is the LAMEST line I've ever heard.   
  
Trinity leaps up into the air in slow motion like in the Matrix movie. With a powerful   
kick, she hits him back to his seat.   
  
Dick Clark, meanwhile, gives up on Captain Kirk and moves on.   
  
DICK CLARK: He's an agent for the FBI investigating the `X-Files'! He's also the sole   
reason of moving the entire `X-Files' set from Vancouver to LA only to tell X-Files   
creator, Chris Carter, that he's going to appear in just a few episodes and then take   
off to make another ill attempt at his 'acting' career! Audience, here's bachelor   
number four, AGENT FOX MULDER!   
  
FOX MULDER enters the stage and waves `hi' to the audience, ignoring Smoking Man who's   
standing next to Cancer Man. Mulder looks at the contestants and sees ET. He immediately   
turns to the audience to locate DANA SCULLY.   
  
MULDER: I told you, Scully! The truth was out there! SEE! There's an alien here!   
  
SCULLY: There's got to be a logical explanation for this...   
  
MULDER: You can't quit now, Scully! We are close to something! We're on the verge...!   
  
SCULLY: (interrupting) YOU'RE on the verge. Please don't do this to me. Not in front of   
all these people, Mulder.   
  
MULDER: After what you saw last night, after all you've seen!   
  
SCULLY: If you're referring to your little friend, Mr. Happy, definitely yes!   
  
MULDER: No... I didn't mean that. (Mumbles later on) And Mr. Happy isn't little, just shy.   
  
SCULLY: I'm through with the X-Files, Mulder! I'm walking away. I have. I did. It's done.   
  
LUKE SKYWALKER: (disappointedly) It's people like you, Scully, that destroyed Christmas.   
You should be ashamed of yourself!   
  
SCULLY: And I'm supposed to be offended by a man who listens to talking bears?   
  
Mulder gets a closer look of ET. He gently touches ET's face in fascination.   
  
MULDER: I don't believe the FBI currently has an investigative unit qualified to pursue   
the evidence at hand, Scully. We'll just keep him in my basement in the meantime. We can   
learn a lot from each other.   
  
SCULLY: Mulder, the only thing he'll learn is all the porn you've got stashed while he's   
locked up in your basement and I can only imagine what he'll do with that knowledge.   
  
Mulder ignores her as he sees ET's finger glowing. ET extends the finger toward him. Mulder   
nods in understanding and smiles.   
  
MULDER: I know... You want to tell me that you'll be right here, at my heart.   
  
ET: No, I want you to pull my finger...   
  
Mulder looks confused. ET raises his neck and extends it toward Mulder. Mulder thinks he's   
going to hug him but instead, ET barfs all over his shirt. ET sits back into his chair and   
grabs another cold one.   
  
DICK CLARK: Welcome, Mulder! You've come a long way from home. Tell us about yourself.   
  
MULDER: (in rage) Damn, alien! That shirt was from the GAP! You're going to pay for that!   
I'll see that the government finds you and conducts the most HORRIFYING experiments on you!   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: (across to the Scully) Did... it... hurt...?   
  
SCULLY: (agitated) Did WHAT hurt?   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: Did... it... hurt... when... you... fell... from... heaven...?   
  
DICK CLARK: (to Mulder) Sorry about the shirt. So why are you here? To get lucky in love?   
  
MULDER: (still angry) No, to discover the TRUTH! And now that I HAVE, I'll see that EVERY   
DAMN ALIEN PAYS!   
  
LUKE SKYWALKER: Whatever. You just don't want to admit that you can't find a woman in your   
own damn planet. The closes you got was Scully but she's too ticked off at how much you get   
paid just for saying "The truth is out there." If Chris Carter thinks he can continue the   
X-Files in an effort to get you an award in the Golden Globe Awards, he'd better realize   
that it'd take more than a village to fight the future!   
  
CAPTAIN KIRK: What... kind... of man... calls himself... 'DICK'... Clark?   
  
ET: (pointing at another beer) Friend...   
  
The four contestants drift their separate ways. Dick Clark grabs a bottle of whiskey from   
last New Year's Eve. It's hidden underneath the sofa. He takes a LARGE chug of it. After   
finishing half of the bottle, he decides to go to a commercial break.   
  
COMMERCIAL BREAK...   
  
PRIVATE HUDSON'S COLORFUL BAR: Come over to see me, Private Hudson, and check out the great   
lines of food I have! From beer, squid, to huge monstrous lizards that have twenty   
tentacles, each one tasty, you'll get the chance to delight yourself! Why cook dinner tonight   
when you can eat a roasting, hot, milky, green five-eyed Martian! Yum! Yum! Kids will also   
have a special treat with my "Happy Insects That Happily Eat You Alive" happy meals! So come   
on over and bring the entire family along! It's not just a bar, you know! I'll leave a seat   
for ya right here! 


End file.
